3 months down

I have been feeling the need to post in my blog a lot lately.  I cannot express how much this hurts to have my daughter apart from me.  She is such a part of me, and without her here I feel empty inside. There have been many instances since her passing that I have felt her presence with me.  I felt her while we were in Texas visiting Dave's family.  I saw the most beautiful yellow and black butterflies at times when I knew she would want to be with us, like when we went swimming as a family, and while at the zoo when Ryder and I were walking down the path and I thought of how much I wished she were there, and I looked up and a beautiful butterfly fly right by me and went right next to where Ryder was walking.  One day while out in my garden, which is often the place I do a lot of my crying, I would see butterflies and know she was there.  She sends them to me as a comfort I'm sure.  While I was at girls camp at Heber Valley, which was simply one of the most sacred and spiritual places on this earth, outside of the temple and Kera's room, I saw a million butterflies all over the campsite.
I felt her presence very strongly during the week she passed away while Jacob was getting ready to receive the priesthood.  I felt her and still feel her spirit when I go into her bedroom.  I have felt her spirit every time I have visited the temple, especially when we went to the Jordan River temple to do baptisms for the dead at our family reunion.  My dad works in the baptistry and all of the cousins were there to do baptisms.  When we walked into the room to wait to do baptisms, the organist was playing the song Lilies of the Field, the song that was sung at Kera's funeral.  I knew that was her telling me she was there.  
I love these tender mercies of the Lord.  I am grateful that he allows her to visit her family during these times.  I love feeling her presence, but I wish I had one more hug, one more time to see her smile, one more late night talk in her room, one more time to see her off to school.  I want my daughter back.  I hate this.  I don't want to be patient.  I know I have so many great things waiting for me when I see her again.  But unfortunately this life is all I know.  It's hard to wait.  I feel so strongly that Kera is on a mission.  Just like any parent who has a child serving a mission for the church, I am so proud of the work she is doing, the success she must be having bringing new spirits into the light of the gospel.  Helping others and being a ministering angel.  But that doesn't mean you do not miss having them with you.  Seeing their face and talking to them in person.  Kera would have started 4th grade this year.  Not shopping for new school clothes, getting her all ready for the first day, buying a new backback, taking her picture on that first day, not seeing her walk her little brother onto the bus, that was a killer.
Last weekend my niece Cora, my brothers daughter, passed away also.  Cora was a twin and her sister died in the womb.  When she was born she had fluid on her brain and was born with just a brain stem.  She has been in a wheelchair and unable to do many basic functions.  Although she requires 24 hour care, her family views her as the greatest blessing in their home and her spirit is very strong.  When she smiles it is priceless. They are already missing her greatly. What a trial our families have been through.  Tonight is the viewing and tomorrow is the funeral.  I am a bit terrified to go through this again.  I know it will bring up many hard memories.
I also have been asked to speak in stake conference on Sunday.  I know the stake president asked me to speak for a reason, there are many things I can share about my journey that may help others.  I just sometimes feel overwhelmed by everything I am asked to go through.  I know my Kera is and has been a wonderful light to so many.  I sometimes wonder if I can measure up.  Sometimes these burdens feel heavier than I can bare.  That is why my only choice is to put them back on my father in heaven.  I have no way to do it alone.  My faith and testimony are all I have.  It will have to be enough.
I hope I can convey the feelings in my heart and share my message on Sunday in a clear way.  I have just started to write my outline.  Yikes, I better get writing. I'm praying that I can get through my talk and not bawl in front of the entire stake!