Upcoming MRI

This week has been a good one overall for Kera.  Other than tonight, I think she has been the most upbeat that we've seen her in a long time.  She has still had bouts with the nausea, but mostly it's in the morning when she gets up.  Smells still really bother her, and she is having a hard time finding things that taste good.  She has always been a good eater, but so many foods affect her stomach and so many things don't sound good to her, or she thinks they do, then she tries to eat it and it doesn't taste good.  I think that is somewhat due to the radiation treatments that she had and how sick she felt all the time, and I think certain foods and smells trigger her memory of all the sickness.  She also has a hard time sleeping in her room at night because she says there are so many things in there that make her think of her treatments and of being sick.  Hmm, what do I do about that?  I can't very well get rid of everything in her room.  I know that a lot of her sickness is mental right now and that she relates so much to her treatments.  I'm not sure how we overcome that part?

Other than the stomach thing she has been feeling well enough to play outside and occasional jump on the tramp, we had Dave's sister here visiting from Texas this week, and we got to go do some fun things when she was here.  We took a trip to Boondocks on Friday, and we went miniature golfing and did arcades.  Kera had a great time and she laughed and joked a lot.  She does so much better when her mind is in other things, or when she isn't sitting around the house.  If she is up and doing things she feels better.  Our family made a list a few weeks back of things we want to do as a family, outings and fun activities, and one of the big ones is a cruise.  We want to plan a big family vacation, but we also want to do a lot of little things like the hike we went on last Saturday, like picnics at the park, trips to the museum, and that kind of things that we can do weekly.  I want to take advantage of this time now while she is feeling well and has the energy.  I'm hoping this will last a very long time, but I don't know, and I want to make the most of each day.

Saturday night was our church's general Relief Society broadcast in Salt Lake, and our stake was invited to attend.  Since Dave's sister Jennifer was in town, we wanted to get tickets and go to the conference.  I'm glad we went to it.  I really felt the spirit there.  I was especially touched by the 2nd counselor in the R.S. presidency's talk.  Sister Reeves talked about our trials and tribulations.  She said that after much tribulation come the blessings and that the Lord has a plan for each of our lives.  She said that the trials and tribulations may be the very things that allow us to grow closer to him.  She said to go to the temple often and to go and listen to each word of the endowment.  I know that the times that I've gone through the temple since we found out about Kera, the Lord has brought certain things to my mind that I hadn't thought about before, and I can receive much revelation and peace there. Sister Reeves said the Lord will make our burdens light.  I also felt the spirit when we sang the congregational hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go".  I know it's so hard sometimes to face this trial and understand why Kera has this brain tumor, but while I was singing the hymn, "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord, over mountain or storm or sea, I'll say what you want me to say dear Lord, I'll be who you want me to be" I felt the spirit whisper to me that it would be okay, and no matter what, if I am willing to let the Lord guide my life, and if I trust in Him, He will take my hand and show me the way.  It's the submitting to the Lord's will that requires faith, but if I do that, I will be rewarded.  I do not know what my future holds, or what Kera's future holds, but I cannot do it alone, and I need the comfort that only God can give me.  Our prophet, Pres. Monson, also spoke, and he talked about the Relief Society program and how it was organized by inspiration.  It is made up of all different types of people, single women, those in school, those with young kids, widows, etc. and that our struggles are different for everybody.  He said there will be times when we walk along thorny paths, when fear replaces faith, during those times he counseled us to rely on prayer, and God will speak peace to your soul.  I have felt Him do this for me.  Pres. Monson said that Heavenly Father loves each of us, that love never changes.  That love is there for us always, whether we deserve it or not.  He also ended with a prayer for us that we will be given every good gift.  It is a marvelous feeling to be in the room with the prophet of the church. I could feel that the words president Monson were saying were coming directly from Heavenly Father to me.  It was a special night, and I enjoyed talking with Dave's mom and sister and spending time with them.  It was nice getting to share our feelings together that night.

Tonight Kera got emotional and it was difficult for me to see.  She really does not want to go back to primary childrens on Friday for the MRI.  She was crying and she said how tired of this she is.  She just wants the tumor to be gone.  She doesn't want to have the IV and have to sit still like that for over an hour.  She said the hospitals make her feel very sick.  After she said all this, I was almost tempted to consider not going back to the doctor, to just not do the MRI, to just rely on the Lord and know how she's doing by her symptoms.  But there's a part of me that wants to see the picture of the tumor and see if it has shrunk, and how much. I know it's been a nice break these past four weeks not having to go to the doctor or do treatments, and I think she's just sad that she has to go back there, and she's probably just really tired of this whole process.  It just breaks my heart to have to tell her that I hope the tumor goes away, but that it might not, or may come back. I don't want to lie to her or give her false hope.  I want her to know that the possibility is there that it will not go completely away, and I don't want her to feel like I haven't been honest with her about anything. I so wish I could take her pain away.  I wish it more than anything. As a mother it kills me to see her suffer with this illness.  She's been through so many changes.  She said how hard it's been to not be in school and see her friends and do her normal things the way she used to be,  looking how she used to look.  It's been hard having to go out in public with people looking and staring.  All of that is difficult, but like I said before, I have to rely on the Lord, and I told her that praying and reading my scriptures is what helps me to have peace, and I hope I can teach her to do the same thing.  I thought setting up another sleepover with her friends after the MRI Friday would help her to have something to look forward to and hopefully it will help the day feel less miserable if she has that to look forward to.

Enjoy the Journey

You may have noticed the title of this blog.  That's right, "Enjoy the journey" was the title.  Pretty ironic huh?  I know, it seems a very odd title to a blog about our journey through Kera's pediatric brain tumor diagnosis, but I have learned time and time again through this process that I must remain positive about the future, and to enjoy the time we have with our children and specifically with Kera.  I am constantly trying to tell my brain not to go past today and not to focus on tomorrow.  My brain really wants to go there several times a day, but I try to tell it not to.  I have to cherish each moment we have together and to enjoy our life now.  
Dave and I went to the adult session of our stake conference on Saturday, and I feel like we were blessed because we made the decision to attend it.   Every talk was about overcoming adversity and how to draw closer to the Savior amid life's trials.  There were three relief society sisters who spoke, one talked about her husband's conversion to the church and how she waited over 20 years for him to join the church.  She talked about relying on the spirit and how blessed she felt to have a worthy priesthood holder in her home.  The next lady talked about their daughter being born with a rare brain disorder, and how she has had to overcome so many obstacles in her life.  The third sister talked about her trial of being diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and how her life has been changed since being diagnosed.  I was struck by her outlook she shared about her life now.  She said that since being diagnosed she has been given a whole new outlook on life, and how she finds such joy in each new day.  She talked about she has tried to apply the quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley, "enjoy the journey" and how she feels that each day is a blessing and how she has been given a whole new outlook on her life.  She finds joy in the small things in her life.  Our stake presidency also spoke about overcoming trials and to how to rely on the Lord when faced with difficult trials, and how we can benefit from our trials.  The choir sang the song "Consider the Lilies".  I have always liked that song, but I've never really listened to the words.  Here is a copy of the lyrics:
Consider the lilies of the field,How they grow, how they grow.Consider the birds in the sky,How they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field.

He feeds the birds in the sky.And He will feed those who trust Him,And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of His fold,How they follow where He leads.Though the path may wind across the mountains,He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field.He feeds the birds in the sky,And He will feed those who trust Him,And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet, tender childrenWho must suffer on this earth.The pains of all of them He carriedFrom the day of His birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field,He feeds the lambs in His fold,And He will heal those who trust Him,And make their hearts as gold.

The line where it talks about the sweet tender children who must suffer on this earth really got me.  I think about all that Kera has suffered physically so far, and all that she may suffer and it just breaks my heart.  But I know that the Savior carried her pain.  He suffered and felt the pain of each of us, and because of this we are able to enjoy eternal life.  I try really hard to keep my mind set in the eternal perspective.  I know this brings me such comfort, especially when it seems more than I can bare.  That is when the Lord steps in and helps me.  I am so grateful for his watchful care, and for his knowing exactly what I needed to hear that night.  

We have also began a new chapter in our school life, that of home schooling. Kera decided that she was not going to go back to school for awhile, and she was gonna give the online school program through the school district a try. I won't lie and say it's not been a challenge.  Today was a very hard day.  Trying to juggle getting Jacob ready and out the door, starting Kera on her lessons,  house chores, preparing breakfast, taking Michael to school, preparing, caring for Ryder and keeping him occupied, picking up Michael from school two hours later, running erronds, making dinner, getting Jacob going on homework, FHE, it was a LOT OF WORK!  It overwhelmed me to say the least.  I am hoping that once Kera gets the hang of her online school work and knows how to do her assignments on her own, that it will help.  We were both just trying to figure it all out today as it was our first day, and we just got her ipad last Thursday.  I am going to try to get to bed earlier and get an earlier start in the mornings, and hopefully that will help.  

And like my blog title says, even though it's difficult and a constant challenge, it's so important to stop and enjoy the journey.  We went on a family hike on Saturday.  Kera did so good!  She has been much happier and has more energy lately.  She's been much more cheerful this past week, and just tonight we were outside and the kids were playing on the tramp, and she was excited because she could do a back flip again.  That felt so good to see.  It felt good to watch her ride her bike to the park last week.  All of these memories are precious, and I want to take time to enjoy each and every one. 

Sunday update

It's been another week of ups and downs.  Kera started out the week well and decided to go back to school on Monday.  It was difficult to be back there the first day, but I think that my going to her class on Friday and talking to the kids helped a lot.  I went to meet her for lunch so she would feel more comfortable.  The next day she decided to go back and I encouraged her to try to take the bus home.  The day seemed to go pretty well, other than one of the boys from her class last year yelling out "Kera has puffy cheeks" at recess.  That boy gave her some problems at school last year, and even scribbled out her face in a picture of her on her yearbook.  So I'm not a big fan of that kid.  She didn't seem too upset about it though, not that she told me anyway.
 I think it's been rough for her this week because I think she thought after the treatments were done everything would suddenly go back to normal, and she would feel all better, but that's not the case.  I can only do my best to try to make her feel as good as she can, and I am hoping that the  cold she got mid week will be the only hang up for the next little while, and she can get to feeling better soon and have an easier time with everything. We went to the pediatrician on Tuesday because her ears had been bothering her for a few days.  He said there wasn't an infection yet, but there was fluid behind her ears and gave her an antibiotic to help dry them out so she could her and feel better.
Wednesday morning Kera woke up with a runny nose and a bad sore throat.  She also felt nauseated again, and her legs were really stiff and sore.  She said it was hard to walk on them.  Of course that sent me into mini panic mode and I called the oncologist to give him the report.  He said it could just be that she was getting a bug, and that the leg pain could be related to that, especially since she had a sore throat and congestion. So I gave her Advil and later that day her legs were feeling better.  The next day her cold got worse so she stayed home from school again.  She didn't want to go back Friday either, and I decided Thursday night that I wasn't going to push her to go to school if she didn't want to.
Kera's friends from Kaysville invited her down to their house for a late night on Friday, and I wasn't sure if she would be up to it with the cold, but she really wanted to go, and I made her rest most of the day so she could feel up to going.  I ended up letting her spend the night there, and it was her first sleepover, other than with cousins.  Her two best friends Samantha and Gracie are so wonderful to her.  They have the best time together, and since we've only lived in this area for a year, she hasn't had the chance to make any close friends here yet. Friends yes, just not the kind that she can have sleepovers with and be herself with. I love that she can still keep in close contact with them and that we live close enough where she can have get togethers with them.  The girls stayed up until 1 a.m. talking and giggling.  Even though it was a real late night, I was so glad she went and had the chance to get her mind off of her sickness and have fun with friends again.  I want to give her as many happy moments as I can.
Saturday I picked her up and we ran a few errands.  One of them being to the pet store to look at some dogs.  I think we are finally coming around to the idea of getting a dog, and the kids are all so excited about the possibility.  We just have to decide if it will be in inside dog or an outside dog.  Dave wants an outside dog only, but I'm not sure.  I was also told by the lady at the humane society that we should really consider getting an older dog, and that puppies are a lot of work to train and they will tear up furniture, shoes, etc.  I don't know if I have the time or energy to train a new puppy, so I tend to agree with her.  Maybe a dog who's 2-5 years old would be best? If anyone has dog advice for me, I'm open to hearing it. :)
The primary kids sang with the Young Women in sacrament meeting today.  They sang "If the Savior Stood Beside Me" and I really wanted Kera to be a part of it.  She didn't really want to go to church since she still has her cold and wasn't feeling well this morning, but I convinced her to come just for the first hour, then we would take her home.
Dave and I also had our trek fireside tonight.  We went on a pioneer trek in June, and we were asked to be a ma and pa there.  We watched the video that they made of us at trek, which was fun to watch.  We talked with our trek family afterwards.  There were 3 boys that weren't there, which made me a little sad.  I was hoping to see all of the kids we had in our family at trek tonight.  One of them we see often because he's in our ward every other week.   Hopefully the other two boys we'll get the chance to see again soon.
Michael has his birthday this week on Friday, and he is so excited!!  He's gonna be 5. :)
Here's hoping this week goes well, with more ups than downs!!

Treatments are done!!

Thursday was Kera's last day of radiation treatment.  It was such a great feeling to be done with that and now I am so excited to go through a whole week straight where I don't have to leave and drive to Salt Lake in the middle of the day!  All of the radiation therapists that worked with us at LDS hospital were wonderful.  There were 5 therapists that rotated throughout the 6 week process, and each one of them was so thoughtful and patient and loving with Kera.  It definitely made a difficult experience easier to handle.  There was Collette, Allie, Aubrey, Doreen, and Kristin.  Each one of them brought Kera a gift on her last day of treatment.  Collette gave her a plug in Scentsy candle with smelly waxes because during treatment Kera had a hard time with the smells during the radiation process, and so Collette brought some scentsy waxes and would rub them on her mask every day to help with the smell.  Allie brought a set of colored pencils and papers to use for school and because she knew Kera loved to color.  Aubrey was nice enough to make a pack of hairbows and headbands because she noticed Kera loved bows and always had different bows and headbands when she showed up for treatments.  Doreen always commented on the different kinds of flip flops and sandals Kera wore to treatment, so she bought her a cute pair of lime green sandals.  And Kristin got Kera some fruit smelly markers and a little notepad.  They also brought little treats for Kera when it was Friday to celebrate two days off of treatment.  I am so thankful to each of these ladies for going out of their way to love and help Kera feel more comfortable while doing the treatments.  Also Dr. Hunter, Kera's radiation onc. doc was wonderful.  He was always so friendly and helpful and tried his best to make Kera feel better when she was suffering from the nausea and would listen to our concerns and answer all of our questions with sincere concern.
As we were thinking about what to do to celebrate our last day of treatment, Kera came up with the idea to go on a hike and make a sign that said no more treatments and she would wave the flag.  So before we left for treatment on Thursday I helped Kera make a flag that said "No more treatments" on it and after the treatments were done we drove to a trail by the capital and took some pictures and waved the flag.  I told Kera to shout "no more treatments" as loud as she could.  Kera, not one to make a scene, even though there was nobody else there, was too embarrassed to shout it, but she spoke it loudly.  I told her I would do it for her and I shouted it out as loud as I could.  It felt good to say, and it marks a milestone in this whole process.  Kera also decided that instead of throwing a big party, that she wanted to go to a place that sold caramel apples, cotton candy, and treats like that.  I told her that the Utah State Fair was coming up, so we decided to go to it as a family.  Maybe I didn't think this plan through completely.  I bought entrance tickets and carnival wristbands ahead of time which we bought for Jacob and Kera since I thought Michael may not be tall enough to ride most rides, but it turned out that there was a kiddie ride area and lots of rides that he could go on, and also Kera wanted to ride the rides with me, so I decided to buy two more wristbands for Michael and I.  It was also pretty windy and humid that night, so the weather wasn't exactly ideal.  Kera really wanted to play some carnival games, so she played a few and won two stuffed animals.  Kera also insisted on getting a caramel apple and a sno cone.  She really only felt up for going on a few rides, and spent the rest of the time eating her treats.  Jacob and I rode many of the rides, and one of them, the rocking boat ride, made him really sick.  So around 7 pm Kera had a bad headache and her stomach hurt, Jacob felt like puking, and in fact threw up 3 times on the way home.  Luckily we had some throw up bags in the car from all the times Kera's gotten sick.  We decided to head home at that point.  So maybe the night was a bit much for her to handle, but I think we still had a good time.  Oh and they had a duck race and each of the kids were chosen to race a duck.  I helped Kera with her race, and we won the first round.  The prize for winning was a duck whistle.
Kera has been really hesitant about going back to school and is still very self conscious about the way she looks.  We are down to .5 mg of the steroid, but her cheeks are still puffy and she still is a few pounds heavier.  Her right eye is still have some trouble tracking, and the radiation has left her hair patchy in spots. I can see why it is difficult for her, but I pray that she will have the courage and confidence to face her peers and not let it stop her from doing things she wants to do.  It breaks my heart when she tells me that she looks in the mirror and cries, or that she hates herself because of how she looks.  I've tried telling her that it's the inner beauty that's important, but these changes are hard, and I know it must not be easy to have to face these issues. I decided to go to her classroom on Friday and talk to the kids in her class about Kera being sick and taking medicine that makes her look different.  I asked them what questions they had about Kera, and we had a good discussion.  I told them that she wants to feel normal, just like all the other kids, and that answering questions about her sickness was hard and made her feel different, so I told them to ask their teacher if they had questions instead of asking her.  I was glad I went and talked to them, and I hope it will help.  She is still afraid to go, especially about seeing other kids from her class last year that aren't in her class this year.  She asked if she could stay inside at recess, and I told her I'd talk to her teachers about it.  I feel like at this point if I can just get her to want to go, staying in at recess or anything that would make her feel more comfortable is fine.  We'll see in the morning if she gives it a try.
Dave and I gave our talks in sacrament meeting today, and I think they went pretty well.  I really didn't want to stand up there and talk about our trial and knew it would be difficult to talk about something so personal, but I felt it was important to do, and now that it's over I'm glad I did it.  I will post a copy of the talk on here. I know a few people told me they would like to read it.  :)
Also, I want to mention that Michael started his second year of preschool at Jellybean Junction and he goes to school in the afternoons on Monday and Wednesdays, and in the mornings on Fridays.  He loves it and he's making new friends already.  I'm including a picture of his first day.

Michael's first day of preschool

Kera right after treatment with her therapist Doreen

Kera sticking her tongue out at the mask she had to wear every day during treatments

Kera receiving her certificate of completion for treatments and she also got to ring the celebration bell when she was done!!

So excited!!

My favorite picture of her with her flag

Talk I gave in church on Helaman 5:12

Helaman 5:12 has always been one of my favorite scriptures.  It reads,

“And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the  rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your  foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty  storms shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.”

This scripture has such a deeper meaning to me now as our family has been faced with a huge trial.  Kera was diagnosed with a serious illness about a month and a half ago.  Throughout this time there have been such ups and downs and a rollercoaster of emotions, but what has always been constant is the love that I have felt from my Heavenly Father, and his invitation to rely on Him and that He will help our family get through this difficult time. I must rely on the Lord now more than ever before.  I have always had faith in Jesus Christ and a testimony of the gospel, but it’s not until we are faced with trials and our faith is tested that we see what we are made of so to speak, and we must put our faith into action. 

Sister Elaine Dalton who was recently released as the General Young Women’s President gave a talk about standing as a witness of God in all times and in all things, and in all places.  Sister Dalton said that our foundation of faith must be firmly centered on Jesus Christ.  Having that kind of faith means you rely on Him, you trust in Him, and even though you do not understand all things, you know that He does.  You also know that you are a daughter of God, that He knows you by name, that He hears your prayers, and that He will help you accomplish your earthly mission. 

It has been a comfort to me that when I pray to Heavenly Father I know that he knows me and what I am going through and that I can withstand my trials through my faith in Him and in His son Jesus Christ.  I have been blessed with several tender mercies throughout this process that have helped to sustain me and given me encouragement to keep going. 

I have kept a blog throughout this process that has helped me recognize these tender mercies, and it allows me to express my emotions and share the daily ups and downs that I am faced with.  I want to read a portion of one of my blog entries titled “Tender Mercies”. 

I wrote “I know the Lord sees the whole picture and he knows what I need.  I need to feel this pain and this sacrifice to understand things that I wouldn’t understand otherwise, and ultimately I know a miracle can occur if it is the Lord’s will for Kera to be healed.  I talked to Kera last night about the importance of faith.  I read to her from the Book of Mormon where it tells about Christ visiting the Nephites on the American continent and how the people were so moved by his sermon and they wanted more than anything for Christ to heal their sick.  He felt their strong faith and he asked them to bring their sick unto Him and he would heal them.  After he healed them and performed these miracles, those that were healed kissed the Savior’s feet and bathed them with their tears. 

I felt it important for Kera to understand the importance of faith and that we need to have faith when we are given a priesthood blessing, when we are performing important ordinances, or even having faith that Heavenly Father will hear and answer our prayers. 

Wilford W. Anderson gave a talk called “The Rock of our Redeemer” which I want to share a portion of.  He says, “And again, I would speak unto you concerning hope…behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and this because of your faith in Him according to the promise.  There is a scripture in Moroni that says, wherefore if a man have faith he must needs have hope, for without faith there cannot be any hope.  (Moroni 7:40-42)  

Brother Anderson says hope comes from faith in Jesus Christ.  He has already overcome the world and has promised that He will wipe away our tears if we will only turn to Him and believe and follow.  He also says that Faith in the Savior requires more than mere belief.  The Apostle James taught that even the devils believe and tremble.  (James 2:19) But true faith requires work.  The difference between the devils and the faithful members of this church is not belief but work.  Faith grows by keeping the commandments.  We must work at keeping the commandments.  From the bible dictionary we read that “miracles do not produce faith but strong faith is developed by obedience to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  In other words faith comes by righteousness. 

The more we act upon our faith by reading our scriptures, serving in our callings, teaching the gospel to our children and holding family home evening each week, by praying morning and night and with our families, the stronger our faith will become.  The presence of the Holy Ghost will be with us and it will give us comfort.   Sometimes when hard trials come upon us, the natural man in us will tell us to give up.  This trial is too difficult, God must not love us, we cannot endure.  But I’ve found the opposite is true.  The more I allow the Lord into my life, the more fervently I pray, the more I study the scriptures, the more the Lord blesses me and I feel peace.  During the hard times and when I get caught up in the unknown, it’s not always easy to have the faith.  I know that Satan is real and he does not want me to be happy.  He will do anything to bring us down, to make us feel unworthy, to tell us to give up, to give in to temptation, to succumb to the darkness.  Like the scripture in Helaman says, when the devil  shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty ^cstorm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of our strong foundation.  I must continue to build a foundation rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

President Henry B. Eyring said in a conference talk, “we are safe on the rock which is the Savior when we have yielded in faith to Him, have responded to the Holy Spirit’s direction to keep the commandments long enough and faithfully enough that the power of the Atonement has changed our hearts.  When we have, by that experience, become as a child in our capacity to love and obey, we are on the sure foundation.  What we do allows the Atonement of Jesus Christ to change us into what we must be.  Our faith in Jesus Christ brings us to repentance and to keeping his commandments.  We obey and we resist temptation by following the promptings of the Holy Ghost. In time our natures will change.  We will become as a little child, obedient to God and more loving.  That change, if we do all we must to keep it, will qualify us to enjoy the gifts which come through the Holy Ghost.  Like the scripture in Mosiah 3:17 says, that there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.

It is because of our Savior Jesus Christ and His atonement that we are saved, and that the plan of Salvation is made possible.  The knowledge that our family can be sealed together for eternity is such a comfort to me and I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  He suffered and died for each one of us.  He felt every single trial, every physical, emotional, spiritual heartache that we have experienced and will experience.  I was listening to a book on cd from Leon Skousen about the atonement and why it was necessary to happen the way it did.  Jesus Christ had to suffer these things for us and it was an infinite atonement.  It was because of his compassion and unconditional love for us that He was willing to do suffer this way.  The part that seems the most difficult to me that Heavenly Father had to withdraw His spirit from the Savior at the time when He needed Him the most.  He had to do it completely alone.  We go through trials in this life, but we are given the comfort of the Holy Ghost to endure them.  I am so grateful to the Savior Jesus Christ and to Heavenly Father for sacrificing in this way.  The Lord will never leave us alone, for He has engraven our trials upon the palms of his hands. 

Weekly update

Here it is Sunday again, and we've made it through another week.  Jacob and Kera started school last Monday.  Kera showed up for her first day of school brave and strong.  After showing Jacob where his class was, he is in a portable classroom this year with a very confident and eager 6th grade teacher, I walked Kera to her class and showed her where her desk was.  Both of her teachers were there that day, and I left her in their capable hands.  I was a little nervous to leave her not knowing what she would go through with the kids around her not knowing what she had been through all summer, but I knew she would be okay and that she wanted to be there.  I came back to the school at 11:30 to pick her up, and she had a big smile on her face.  She told me about her morning as I drove her to Salt Lake for treatment. 

 There were some hard moments, like when some kids that she had in her class last year asked her what happened to her, and she really didn't want to answer their questions.  She told a few of her close friends about getting sick and having something wrong with her brain and having to take medicine that makes her look different, but a lot of the kids she just said I'll tell you later or that she didn't want to talk about it. Also there were two girls in her class this year that were in her class last year, and one of the girls said something to the other girl and the other girl said "that's not nice to say" and they were looking at Kera.  Of course with the weight gain and puffy cheeks, Kera is very self conscious, and she has some patchiness in her hair as well.  Her eyes are pretty close to normal, but the right eye is still a little lazy.  She wants more than anything to just feel normal and to be like her old self again.  We just have 3 more treatments left next week, and then we will be done!!  She is still taking 1mg of the steroid but will taper it down to .5mg after treatment for a week, and then no more! She is almost back to her pre-steroid weight, about 5 lbs heavier.  She got up to 15 lb. heavier at one point, so definite progress there.  

Monday night we played Pictionary for our family home evening activity, and I could tell Kera was tired and pretty irritable.  It was her turn to draw and she was drawing a picture of Buzz Lightyear.  We didn't guess it before the time was up, and when she told us who it was, Michael said something like, he looks like he's in his underwear and he started laughing.  Well that set her off and she was very upset and crying.  I tried to get her to calm down, and we talked later down in her room, and that's when she told me about the hard things she faced that day at school, and she told me she didn't want to go back.  I told her to give it another try, and that the first day was the hardest and the kids would get used to seeing her with her changed look, and it would be okay.  So she decided to go the next day and give it a try.  She had a pretty good day, not too many incidents, but she still said it was hard to be there and have kids stare at her and ask questions.  She's also less social right now, and just doesn't feel much like talking to anyone, even her own family members.  She talks to me the most, but I still have to drag most information out of her.  

After I picked her up that second morning from school and took her for treatment, she told me that she decided she wasn't going to go back until after treatments and when she looked more like herself.  Kera woke up Wednesday morning early, crying in pain because she had a really bad headache.  She said it felt like something was pushing on her brain.  Soon after the headache came on, she felt sick and threw up.  I gave her the nausea medicine and steroid pill right before she threw up, so I had to give her another dose.  I also gave her some Advil, and her headache went away about 30 minutes later.  She still had queaziness the rest of the morning, and I didn't make her go to school.  I also let her stay home Thursday and Friday because she was on and off with the nausea and she still was hesitant to go back.  I'm not going to push her either.  I want her to feel comfortable at school and not make it an issue for her. 

When we went to our weekly appointment at Primary Children's on Friday, the child life specialist that Kera gets along with came in and talked to us for a minute.  I told her that Kera doesn't feel like being at school because she gets tired of answering hard questions about why she looks different.  The specialist told us that sometimes one of the specialists from primary's can come in and explain to the kids in her class about what Kera is going through, and if they have questions about Kera they can ask her teacher, and that she doesn't have to answer their questions if she doesn't want to.  She asked Kera if she wanted the kids to know that she has a brain tumor and explain about that, or if she justs wants them to know that she's been sick and is taking medicine that makes her look different. She said she just wants them to know that she is taking medicine.  So that is what we will tell the kids.  I think I'm going to go in there on Tuesday and talk to her teachers and ask if they could talk to Kera's class while Kera is not there and maybe explain to them that Kera has been sick and that she has to take medicines that may make her look a little different and might make her feel nauseous sometimes or tired, and that's why she isn't there right now, and that's why she looks a little different. I will tell the teachers to have the kids ask the teacher if they have questions and not to ask Kera.  Maybe this will help her feel more comfortable being at school if she knows she doesn't have to answer all the questions. She seemed to like that idea when we were talking to the specialist about it. 

They also told us when we were at the Dr. appt. that we wouldn't need to come back every week once her treatments were over, and that the next time we come back will be when we do the MRI scan, and that will be 5 weeks from next Thursday.  I can't tell you how good it will feel to not have to drive out there every day or even every week!!  I'm looking forward to some time to relax and maybe after treatments Kera will feel ready to go back to school, but even if she doesn't, no problem.  We already talked to the lady who runs the online curriculum, so we can definitely go that route too.  

This weekend Kera has felt really good, and she hasn't had much nausea at all.  She is happy to have 3 days off from treatment, and then when we go back to only have three more days!!  :)  Friday night Dave's sister Carrie came up for her annual back to school shopping with the kids.  The tradition started a few years ago when Jacob started school.  She would come up and take them to the store to pick out a backpack, lunchbox, or something for school.  Over time it has turned into a back to school toy shopping outing.  They don't usually pick out something for school now, it's usually a toy or something they have been wanting that I won't buy them.  :)  Jacob picked out some Angry Birds star wars mystery packs and a hexbug, Kera picked out a cotton candy maker, Michael also got Angry Birds star wars mystery packs, and Ryder got a toy guitar which he LOVES!!  He is so musically inclined.  He even strums it in tune to the music he plays, and he sings along with it.  Yesterday the kids did some chores around the house, and Kera and Michael even washed my car.  It was a day of much progress.  We are getting the basement completely cleared out so Dave can start working on it again.  The kids really wants to have our basement done so they can enjoy our family room with a big screen projector and a popcorn machine, as well as a craftroom/reading room, and I will enjoy a new laundry room.  We are all anxious to get it done! Kera is especially eager, so it is our goal to have it done by Christmas, if not sooner.  We are grateful to have Ann here who loves to work on projects and help us get things done around here.  

That's the latest on our family journey.  Once again we are so grateful for everyone's support and prayers, and we know that it's because of all of those prayers that Kera is doing so well.  There are daily challenges and ups and downs, but the small miracles and tender mercies continue to sustain us and keep us moving forward. 

Dave and I were asked today to speak in church next week.  Our topic comes from the scripture in the Book of Mormon in Helaman 5:12 which says 

" And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

This is the first talk I've been asked to give where I already feel mostly prepared to speak about.  Dave and I and our family have been forced to rely on the Lord and to continually build our foundation upon the rock of our Redeemer during this whole process, and I know that it is our faith in the Lord and the sustaining power of the Holy Ghost that has allowed us to carry on and we must continue to study our scriptures and pray and build our testimony and strengthen our foundation.  This is the only way we can have everlasting joy, and it's the only way I will remain sane.  :)