3 more days until Christmas!!

This Christmas season has been such a happy and joyful experience for our family.  Our children have a been filled with the spirit of the season, and I have enjoyed spending time together as a family.  Kera has been feeling so well and she has been in such great spirits.  I know this is a blessing from God, and I'm very thankful.  One of our sweet neighbors has been delivering the 12 days of Christmas gifts to our doorstep each day, and it has added to the joy and excitement, especially when the gifts and their message have been centered on the Savior.  I am grateful to our secret santa for thinking of us with their thoughtful gifts each day.  Before the deliveries started I had commented to my mother in law that I don't really have any manger scenes displayed in our home.  We have a small one, but over time some of the figures have been lost or broken.  So what is one of the gifts that we have received with our 12 days of christmas, a manger scene with a different figure each day being delivered.  The kids can't wait until the day we receive the little baby Jesus to complete the nativity :)
I have been wanting to blog about our wonderful experience attending Elf the musical.  As I said before our wish granter contacted the person in charge of the shows at Pioneer Theater Company and we were given four tickets to see the musical, as well as getting to go backstage to meet the cast.  The whole cast was amazing and so thoughtful.  The cast made special gifts for Kera, including her own t-shirts elf the musical t-shirts.  She was given some elf ears, her own elf hammer for making toys, an etch-a-sketch, and several other special and thoughtful gifts.  We brought our video camera to capture the moment.  Our wish granter and the musical's own photographer also captured photos of the night, so I will be attaching those on here as soon as I get them.  I was also so thankful that the actor who played Santa Claus took the time to talk with Kera and she was able to tell him what she wanted for Christmas this year.  His special spirit has helped make the spirit of Christmas even stronger and more magical.  Kera also got a special letter in the mail the other day from Santa himself.  She was so excited to get her very own special letter from Santa.
Not only do we have Christmas to look forward to, but this Friday we are having her star raising party for make a wish before we leave for our big trip to Disney world on the 30th.  I'm trying not to panic about all of the little details that have to be seen to before we take our trip, and just to enjoy Christmas first, but the day after Christmas is over, I've got some planning and preparing to do!
I love taking the time on this blog to express things that I've learned or talks I've heard that have helped me and have made an impression on me, and one that Dave brought to my attention tonight, and I watched on TV, was Elder Bednar's talk that he gave at a CES devotional called "That We Might Not Shrink".  Elder Bednar shared the story of a young couple who had only been married for 3 weeks when the young man received the news that he had bone cancer.  Elder Bednar shared the feelings that this young couple felt after receiving the news, and Elder Bednar counseled with this couple and he was prompted to share something Elder Maxwell shared with him when he was undergoing chemo treatments.  While Elder Maxwell was about to start his treatments, he said that he has learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.  He said as we confront our own trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the father that we might not shrink.  Not shrinking is much more important than surviving.  Partaking of the bitter cup without becoming bitter is in emulation of Jesus Christ. Orson F. Whitney said "no pain that we suffer is wasted.  All that we suffer and all that we endure builds up our character, purifies our hearts and expands our souls, making us more worthy to be called the children of God."
The young man who went through treatments for cancer successfully went into remission but months later the cancer came back.  He learned through this process that he had to put complete trust in God that His will would be done, and that he needed to have faith to NOT be healed.  This submitting our will to God must occur if we are truly faithful.  If I know that the Lord has a plan for my family, I must be willing to fully submit to His will and know that He has the power to heal my daughter, and I know that I need to have faith to not have her be healed if that is the will of the Lord.  Our natural desire is to be in control, but when I put it into the Lord's hands, that is when we show true faith.  That is what I am continually striving to do.  I am always thankful for these little reminders and I know the Lord is shaping my life and my family's life through this process.  I am forever grateful for the knowledge of the plan of salvation and the atonement of the Savior.

Back to blogging

I was doing really well for awhile keeping my blog updated every week, but I started to slack on my updates, so I'm back to my commitment to write once a week.
First of all, one of Kera's wish granters came to our house on Friday  to let Kera know that her wish would be granted and we will be going to Disney World over the New Year holiday.  We leave December 30th and will come back on January 5th.  We are all so excited to get to go on this special trip and especially to be able to ring in the new year at the happiest place on earth!!  She was given a special new dress to wear on New Years Eve and also a christmas Pascal (the chameleon from Tangled) decked out with Santa hat, some games, balloons, and candy. She was so excited when she found out we would be going to Disney world right after Christmas.   Another great surprise was that the other one of her two wish granters was able to get four tickets to Elf the musical this Wednesday and Kera will get to meet the cast after the show.  We have been so impressed with the whole make a wish program.

There were a few hiccups when we found out the special resort for the kids who are sick called "Give Kids the World" right outside of Disney in Florida is booked all the way through January and then they are closing for renovations on the 6th of January until the end of February.  The person at make a wish who coordinates travel didn't know until after she booked plane tickets that the place would be closed.  Luckily she was able to change our flight so we could be there when it's open. The village resort is such a special place where they go out of their way to make this sick kids have everything they want for the few days they are there.  There are restaurants and an ice cream shop that's open from 7 am til 10 pm, a kids playground, swimming pools and mini golf, a movie theater room, arcades, etc. They celebrate a different holiday each day, like Trick or treating on Tuesday, Christmas on Thursday, etc. Kera really wanted to stay there, but since that won't be possible, I'm glad we are going while the village is still open and we will stay at another Disney resort called the Disney Polynesian resort, which also is supposed to be a wonderful place.  We will just have to travel back and forth from our resort to the village for the activities.

Kera has been feeling really good overall.  Her nausea has lessened quite a bit, and she has a lot more energy lately.  I try to make sure that she gets something to eat right when she gets up to keep the nausea at bay.  I also got some frankinsense essential oil that I'm going to start rubbing on her feet at night and in the morning which is supposed to help with tumors.  It can get very nerve wracking just feeling helpless in this process and wishing there was something else we could be doing to fight this tumor, but I also get spiritual reminders that I need to be at peace and know that God knows our family and our trial and he will be there to help us when we need Him.
Tonight we watched the 1st Presidency Christmas Devotional as a family.  I really enjoyed the broadcast, and President Monson's talk about slowing down and getting into the spirit of Christ at Christmas and not getting distracted by shopping and business at the holidays.  Always a good reminder for me.  I was touched by Elder Nelson's talk in particular.  He showed some clips of Christ's life with narration and he showed the pictures of the Savior healing the sick and the blind.  He said that we must have faith to be healed.  I know this is true.

I find myself freaking out a lot and feeling so discouraged by this terminal illness and the diagnosis that we were given.  I also know that the only way to feel peace is to trust in the Lord.  It is a constant battle internally for me, but I know the feeling I get when I turn it over to the Lord, and the difference I feel when I do this and when I fall into despair and start to lose hope is huge.

During this Christmas season I am especially grateful for the gift that the Savior gave to all of us when he suffered and died for us so that we may be able to return to live with Him.   It comforts me to know that I will be able to live with all of my family again after this life no matter what happens.  After the broadcast was over Dave asked us all to go around and say one thing that stuck out to us after watching this.  Kera answered that she enjoyed Elder Nelson's talk about how we need to have faith to be healed, and that we can all be comforted when a loved one dies because we know we will see them again.  It touched me deeply that she was so in tune to the spirit and understands this principle as well.  She was sitting on my lap while we watched it, and when Elder Nelson talked about having faith to be healed, we both looked at each other and felt the spirit so strong.

"Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn of me for I am meek and lowly of heart and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Peace can come to those who mourn for they shall be comforted.  Peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth, give I unto you."  These words are so comforting to be when I feel overwhelmed by it all.  I want to feel the spirit all the time.  Unfortunately I cannot always feel it and I get carried away with worldly distractions.  I am grateful for this reminder tonight that I just need to turn to the Savior for peace.  I want to keep this feeling with me throughout this holiday season and I hope that our family can be successful in keeping the Spirit of the Lord at the forefront during this time.  As Kera said when she bore her testimony in sacrament meeting last Sunday, the best gift I have been given this Christmas is for Kera to be feeling well.  She has been through so much, and we are blessed that she is feeling great and is in such good spirits.  It will make this Christmas even more special seeing her filled with joy and able to do all the things that she wants to do.

This is Kera

Hi! this is Kera typing. My mom told me about this blog a couple day ago. Wow! a blog about me and what I am going through and how me and my family feel about that. My stomach has been feeling pretty good lately, it still feels a little icky in the morning. I  try to go to school every day but it seems I might need a break every once in a while. We are almost done with our downstairs. We just got done putting in our carpe.t I try to do tumbling down there every day before we put in the furniture. I really can't wait tell Christmas I love that time of year! I love all the Christmas movies and all the Christmas music and all the giving we get to do. I also love Santa and the flying reindeer
exspecially Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. I can't wait for Christmas!!

make a wish

Kera had a chance to do make a wish on Friday.  Our social worker at Primary's referred her, and we decided to do it since she is feeling well now.  We got a call from our two volunteer wish granters, and we met with them down in Murray at the Make a Wish center.  The place was amazing!!  They had a welcome sign with Kera's name on it, and our two wish granters, Kim and Kristin, were so sweet and they had a bag of gifts for Kera and a game for our family.  The building itself was designed by children who have done make a wish.  There was even a brick tower where the children go to put their wishes inside.  There were stain glass stars on the ceiling representing each child who has made a wish.  Kera will get to make her own star and raise it at a special ceremony.  We played a game as a family to help Kera decide on what she wanted to wish for.  There were 4 categories that kids can choose from.  One is to meet someone famous, another is to go somewhere, one is to be something for a day, and one is to have something.  Kera wanted to go somewhere.  When they told us about a make wish sponsored place in conjunction with Disney World called "Give Kids The World" where the child is catered to and basically spoiled rotten with gifts and food and anything they desire, she thought that sounded pretty cool.  We have also never been to Disney World, and the kids have never been to Florida.  In the gift bag they gave us, there was a make a wish t-shirt and button that allows the child who wears it to go to the front of all the lines so she will not have to wait for any rides!!  Jacob was pretty impressed by that, and Kera too. ;)

On the bridge in the wish gardens with one of our wish granters

Our family in front of the wishing well

The lights changing while we are in the wishing room

Kera opening the wishing door

The pink background:)

Before we came, they mailed Kera a special key that will unlock the wish room.   After Kera chose her wish, she rolled it up and put it in a special brass container then she used her key to unlock the door to the wish room.  When we went inside, the whole room was lit up and changed colors.  There was magical music playing, and even a water fountain.  It felt so magical.  The path was lit up and she had to follow it to the place where she put the container with her wish.  Once she got to the desired spot and put in her wish, she closed the chamber and it recognized her wish.  We will be hearing back from the wish granters soon with the time of our disney vacation and all of the details.  The kids are all so excited about the trip!!

Halloween fun

This has been a great week for Kera.  She is finally healed from her eye surgery, and her eyes look wonderful.  They are straight!  She feels much more confident now.  She makes eye contact with people now, and she's more talkative and outgoing.  It's great to see her start to come back to life.  She still has many more mountains to climb, I know that.  But right now we are enjoying where we are at.  I am trying to help her get her strength back up.  Her poor body has been weakened.  Her usual athletic build has become thin and frail.  But I told her we could do a few minutes of exercise each day to get her strength back up.
She's also doing well being back in school all day.  She still gets a little tired, and in the mornings she suffers from the nausea, but it usually goes away after she eats breakfast.  We have a clinic visit tomorrow and they will draw labs and we visit with her oncologist.  We will have our next MRI scan in January.
Our halloween this year was a success.  The kids love being able to trick or treat twice.  Once at the trunk or treat and again on Halloween night.  We decided to take the kids trick or treating around in our old neighborhood again this year since it's easier to trick or treat there than it is here where we live on more of a farm road.  Jacob decided to dress up as Boba Fett, Kera was a Cheetah, Michael was Ironman, and Ryder was  a punk rocker skeleton.  Here are some pictures of the kids in their costumes at the ward trunk or treat.

Kera the cheetah at the school book parade

Ryder the punk rocker skeleton

Ironman Michael

Jacob as Boba Fett

The whole gang in the trunk

Cheetah girl

Surgery success!

Kera had her eye surgery on Thursday.  She was very scared about her first surgery, and she had it in her mind that she would be awake and feel them cutting her eyes to fix them.  I'm sure I've explained to her that she would be asleep, but obviously I am not trained to explain it so that kids understand, and luckily the child life specialist at primary childrens is much more capable of doing so.  Once Kera understood that she would be in a deep sleep, and after they put the mask on she would fall asleep within 10 seconds and she would wake up and it would be all over.  She kept asking, are you sure I will be asleep?  What if I wake up and they are not done?  So she explained that the Dr. Welch (the anesthesiologist) main job was to make sure she did not wake up until it was finished.  :)  After she was assured that she would definitely be asleep for it, she went more willingly with the nurse when it was her turn for the surgery.

Dave and I waited for the doctor to come in and tell us how things went, for a long time it seemed, but really it was probably only an hour or so.  Her doctor, Dr. Dries, came out and told us that the surgery went perfectly. He said it went very well and that he didn't expect to have to do another one.  I was very relieved to hear that.  He said we needed to give her drops 3 times a day for 10 days and to come back for a visit in a month.  

After Kera woke up from surgery I went back to be with her.  When I saw her she was laying there with her eyes closed and she would lay there for a second and then say ouch, my eyes!!  I tried to calm her down while the nurse gave her some strong pain medicine.  She really wanted to open her eyes, but of course that wasn't possible.  We put a washcloth over her eyes so she could keep them closed easier.  I was thinking they were going to put a bandage on her eyes, put they didn't.  We waited there at the hospital for awhile, and they gave her some more pain medicine so we had to wait another hour for them to check her out of the hospital.  When we got home she rested and had on and off pain.  The next day she really wanted to open her eyes.  It was so hard for her to not be able to see!!  She also said her eyes itched and felt sandy.  I cannot imagine how that must have felt.  Later the next day after we keep the wet wash cloth off for awhile and I wiped her eyes with a wet paper towel several times to get the stickiness out, she was able to open them up and see a little bit.  She kept them open longer, then the next day, Saturday, she was able to keep them open most of the day.  Today she was able to open them all day, and hasn't complained much about pain.  Her eyes are still red on the edges, especially the left eye.   She also has a hard time moving her eyes without it hurting, so she mostly looks straight ahead.  She was able to get up and move around a lot more today though.  She even was able to play the disney scene it game with my parents and sister and our family while they were here for dinner and to visit.  My dad made Jacob a mask for his school wax museum where they have to dress up as Greek Gods.  He has to dress up as Anubis, the God of the underworld who also has the head of a Jackal.  Yeah, I wasn't about to make a Jackal head, so I called my creative dad for some help.  My mother in law is also going to sew his robe and kilt.  Thank goodness for talented family members who can help me!! 

Things are looking up for Kera lately, her eyes are straight now, and I'm hoping that will help her feel better.  She's also doing good with the regularity and I'm continuing the miralax.  There was one fallback tonight when I had recorded a show about the cancer centers of america.  She asked why I had recorded that show, and I told her I wanted to learn more about cancer.  She asked if what she had was cancer, and I told her that we really couldn't be sure if it was because we cannot remove the tumor and have it biopsied.  I really didn't know that the word cancer would have such an effect on her.  Doctors have used the word cancer to her and about her having it before, but she really didn't think that she had it.  If this word cancer is such a scary word for her, I would rather her not think that's what it is, and just stick with the term tumor.  She said kids with cancer are bald and have to wear a mask.  I know that this is all from the chemo that they take, and I told her we don't have to do chemo and she doesn't need to wear a mask.  She said that some people with cancer die, and that was really hard for me to know what to say to her.  I do not want her to freak out and worry about this right now.  I want her to focus on recovering from eye surgery and take it a day at a time, but when she tells me how hard it is that she has a tumor and that the doctors don't know what to do to make her better, and that there is always something new that happens, like her eye going crossed, or having to do surgery, or her cheeks getting puffy, or radiation, that it's so hard for her.  She hates that she will always have this tumor and that she will never know what is going to happen next.  Don't I know it!!  I don't want her to worry though.  I am the one who should be worrying about this, not her.  She said, "it's my tumor, I need to know all the facts.  It's just that it scares me when I don't know what might happen to me.  And then we have to do something new, or that the tumor might come back and do more damage."  She is having to grow up so fast and I just want her to stay her little innocent 8 year old self darnit!!  It breaks my heart to have to see her go through so much!!! 

 There is a girl at school that she was good friends with last year, and the girl just loved Kera, but she would sometimes be mean to some of the other girls, and Kera knew this was wrong and it bothered her, but it also was nice that the girl liked Kera so much and was always wanting Kera to play with her and do fun things together.  Well now since Kera has gotten sick, this girl doesn't talk to Kera anymore and doesn't want to have too much to do with her, but she is nice with some of the other girls.  Kera said, I'm those other girls now mom.  Kera has never been faced with anything like this before.  She has always had an easy time making friends, and every girl always has wanted to be around Kera.  Now she is "different".  Many kids are still nice to her, and she still has friends, but maybe now Kera is experiencing how it feels to be those other girls who aren't always chosen first to play with at recess, or invited to all the parties or whatever it is.  I know this is hard, but I know she can also learn a lesson from it.  I hope she will be able to endure all of the things that come her way well, and that she will always know who she is and how special she is.  After we talked and she cried tonight about possibly having cancer and talking about the scary things with this tumor, I told her that she can always pray for comfort and she can get help from Heavenly Father.  She said she knew this, but that it's not always easy because Heavenly Father and Jesus aren't on the earth and sometimes she feels alone.  I am so glad that she was baptized and that she has the gift of the Holy Ghost to comfort her when she is feeling down and alone.  She wanted me to read her some articles from the Friend and the scriptures with her, and after we did all of that and said a prayer together, she said she felt a lot better.  :)

*I am including some pictures we took in September when we went on a family hike.  I love these pictures.  They make me smile :)

After the hike Kera and Michael went to one of our neighbor's 

houses to ride their horses.  Over the summer they rode the horses that we had 

in our back pasture that we rented out.  They loved riding them,and now the horses

 aren't there anymore, so I'm glad they were able to ride our 

friends horses that day when Kera said she really wanted to ride a horse :)

Thank goodness for out of pocket maximums!

With all of the doctor appointments and procedures we've had done for Kera in the past few months, one thing I am grateful for is our max out of pocket for our insurance, and after this last MRI I'm sure we are just about there.  I can't imagine not having any insurance since seeing the bill that was sent to our insurance for the 6 week radiation treatment was about $56,000!!
Now that we've about hit our max, I'm hoping that any injuries, surgeries, or ER visits will happen before January 1st, as it will all be covered 100%.
As I said in my last post, Kera had four doctor appointments last Monday.  The first appt. was a follow up appt. with the radiation oncologist.  He was very happy to see the large amount of shrinkage of Kera's tumor.  I asked him about the possibility of re-radiation.  I felt like she had such success with the first round of radiation that it would seem logical to try to re radiate and shrink more of the tumor.  Unfortunately, the risks of re-radiating an area as precious as the brain, especially in the same area of many of the nerves and muscles that do so much to sustain life, makes it unlikely to try to re-radiate.  He said it wasn't a complete impossibility, but it would be very low on the list of things to try.  After we saw him we went to the psychologist that works in the oncology clinic, Dr. Paul.  He was very friendly and he made Kera smile and laugh a few times, so that was good.  He doesn't think that the problems Kera is having with the nausea and things are all psychological. We discussed it being a possibility with our oncology dr. at our last visit. Dr. Paul thinks that she is really experiencing physical symptoms, and doesn't seem to exhibit a whole lot of psychological trauma or red flags.  I also tend to agree with him.  I know that she does experience some triggers and smells that she associates to radiation treatments, but I also think she is suffering physically.  When we saw the homeopathic doctor, it sort of confirmed what I suspected, which was that she was suffering from constipation, along with the nausea.  She showed me some massage techniques that I can do on her stomach to help with nausea.  She recommended sea bands, the bracelets that you wear on your wrists, ginger pills or tea, carnitine (which is a supplement that helps restore the body and the immune system) and a probiotic.  She also made a little diffuser with a grapefruit scent that she can smell whenever she is somewhere and smells something unpleasant. Back to the constipation, I knew that it had been awhile since she had pooped, not since the previous Thursday in fact, and so I also started giving her some miralax consistently.  I had been giving it to her for the past few months because when I saw the urologist for her frequent UTI's, she suggested that Kera was having a lot of constipation and that could be contributing to her UTI's.  So I was giving it to her, but not consistently, especially after all this other stuff that we've been dealing with.  Since the dr appt. Monday, I tried several things to get her to have a bowel movement.  I gave her miralax Tuesday and Wednesday morning, and still no poop.  Then Thursday I started to get more aggressive.  I gave her a suppository, and nothing happened.  Then I tried an enema, and finally the next morning (even though on the box it said within 1-5 minutes) she pooped! I know she would just love me sharing all of the details, but it was really worrying me, especially since it had been over a week, and the last weeks b.m. wasn't even soft.  After the enema she has pooped each day with the miralax, thank goodness!  She is still not wanting to eat much, and still having some nausea, but I'm hoping to see an improvement with that soon.  Another reason she could be suffering from nausea is that when we went to our last dr. appt., the opthalmologist, we found out that Kera is suffering from double vision, and that both eyes, not just the right eye, is suffering from esotropia, or the eye wandering.  He told us that he recommends she have eye surgery to fix both eyes, and that it has an 80% success rate.  I was very excited that there was something we could do for her to fix her eyes.  We scheduled her surgery for this Thursday the 24th.  I am still waiting to hear back from Dr. Bruggers our oncologist to get her go ahead, but if all is good we will do the surgery.  And as I mentioned before, we are just about at max out of pocket, so it will be covered!!
So now that I've given all of the details of doctor visits, I want to say that life is still a challenge every day, but I continue to feel uplifted when I read my scriptures, ponder on the words of the Lord, and take time to let the spirit speak to my soul.
Today I was reading a conference talk by Robert D. Hales, one of our church's twelve apostles.  It is titled "Waiting Upon the Lord, Thy Will Be Done".  Here is a link to the talk for anyone who may want to read it. I love it and I think everyone could benefit from reading it.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/waiting-upon-the-lord-thy-will-be-done?lang=eng

He explains what it means to wait upon the Lord.  Waiting upon the Lord means to “stand fast” and “press forward” in faith, “having a perfect brightness of hope.”

It means “relying alone upon the merits of Christ” and “with His grace assisting us, saying: Thy will be done, O Lord, and not ours"  He says, as we wait upon the Lord we are immovable in keeping the commandments, knowing that one day we will rest from our afflictions."  One day I will find rest and eternal joy and it will make all of my trials and afflictions that I face every day worth it.

  He also says," Every one of us is more beloved to the Lord than we can possibly understand or imagine. Let us therefore be kinder to one another and kinder toward ourselves. Let us remember that as we wait upon the Lord, we are becoming “saint[s] through [His] atonement, … submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father."  I sure need a lot of help with all of these things, and I am being shaped and refined for a great work.  It definitely tests me and makes me feel like I am going to fall apart on an almost daily basis, but I know that the Lord is aware of me and what our family is going through.  He knows what I can handle.  He sees the whole picture and we can only see this tiny moment, a small moment compared to eternity.  Unfortunately this life is all we know, and it takes a lot of faith to trust Him sometimes and to leave it in his hands, and to say Thy will be done.  But that is what I must do.

Rough Weekend

This weekend has been a difficult one for Kera.  The week started off really well with Kera feeling good, and having the positive results back from the MRI.  She even started going back to school in the afternoon on Wednesday.  She went back to school again on Thursday, and things were going well there.  I talked to her teachers about the boy that was in her class last year that teased her about her cheeks because he said something to her again on Wednesday while they were lining up to go back to class.  Kera's teacher told all of the 3rd grade teachers about this boy and what he was doing, and the boy's teacher, who is currently on maternity leave right now, wrote me an email saying that she was not scheduled to go back for a few weeks, but that she was going to go to school the next day to talk to the boy herself.  She said she would make sure Kera felt safe and that the boy didn't bother her anymore.  I was relieved about that, and hopefully it would help her feel more comfortable going to recess.  

So Wednesday and Thursday were good, then Friday morning Kera woke up feeling very nauseous and had a small headache.  Friday night we had plans to go as a family and have a cookout and wienie roast at the park.  I told Kera to try and rest, so she would feel well enough to go.  I don't think she felt great, but she wanted to go.  We had a good time roasting hot dogs and smores, and letting the kids play at the park, but I could tell she wasn't feeling great.  She has been eating very little lately, and will only eat a few bites of things. We had fun telling ghost stories by the fire, then we packed up for home.  The next morning Kera woke me up to tell me that she felt really awful.  She said when she woke up everything went black and she couldn't see right away.  She said it took her a few seconds to see, and she threw up soon after she got up.  The rest of the day she also struggled with her energy level and couldn't  do much.  I found her a bike at a garage sale even and she didn't come out to look at it until later that evening. As a side note I did find a great deal on a leather couch and chair with ottoman for only $700 that morning.  Gotta take joy in some things right!  ;)  

This morning she woke up again feeling very bad and had the same problem with her eyes.  She said she woke up and couldn't see, so she sat on her bed for a minute, and once her eyes came into focus she ran to the bathroom and threw up.  So these past three mornings have been really bad and I'm wondering what the deal is.  Mostly she has the problem with her eyes in the mornings after she gets up from sleeping, but sometimes her head will hurt and her vision is blurry when she gets up after sitting down.  Before this whole thing happened I had scheduled several doctor appointments for Kera tomorrow, one of them being an opthalmologist, and another one a psychologist, a natural homeopathic dr, and her radiation oncologist.  So it will be a long day, but I'm very glad that we made those appointments now because when I first called them to schedule, the ophthalmologist and the homeopathic dr. didn't have openings until December. Our primary childrens oncologist called them and they were able to get her in to all of these people on Monday.  I'm hoping that we can find out some helpful information tomorrow.  

As I'm typing this Kera is feeling well enough to fight with Michael and make him cry, so I guess I should take pleasure in that?? ;)

MRI results

For those of you who haven't seen my facebook post, we took Kera in for her follow up MRI on Friday.  It has been 4 weeks since completing her radiation treatment, and we found out that the tumor had shrunk down in size by about 30%.  At first I wasn't sure what to hope for because our doc had explained before that the size of the tumor is not always the indicator, it is mostly the symptoms.  Since she hasn't had the dizziness or headaches, and she has had improvement in her right side of her face with the right eye tracking and mouth drooping, I know the symptoms have improved since radiation started, but I didn't know if the shrinkage was good or bad because I thought if it shrank then maybe it was a more aggressive tumor that shrinks but also grows back quickly.  Our dr. assured us that the shrinkage was a very good sign because that means that it was receptive to radiation and  that's what we want.  It makes me wish that we could go in and shrink it more with more radiation, but we have been told that when you reradiate an area that has already been treated, you risk damaging  vital cells or  and possibly it could lead to death.  I want to ask my radiation onc. doctor about it when I go in next week about a lower dose radiation and what the effects are on a child, but of course I don't want to be too extreme in treatment to cause Kera serious damage.  Our doctor said he was very happy when he saw Kera's results, and that his other two dipg patients did not have nearly the amount of shrinkage that Kera had.  I know this is a blessing and a direct result of so many prayers and fasting on Kera's behalf.  I know we have a long way to go, but I will revel in this small victory for now.  :)
One of our biggest concerns for Kera right now is the nausea that she is plagued with daily.  She suffers like a pregnant woman suffers.  She is very sensitive to smells, and certain foods just don't sound good at all.  Not too many things sound good to her, and right now she has a very small appetite.  The doctor thinks this could be also linked to her steroids that she was on for so long, and how voracious her appetite was, and now her body is trying to adjust.  It could also be that the location of the tumor is causing the symptom of nausea.  I have been interested in more homeopathic or natural remedies, and we said we were interested in learning more about those, so he gave us a name of a doctor that he knows that deals with homeopathic treatment and things.  I'm hoping that she may be able to give us tips for getting Kera to not react to smells or foods so strongly.  Another thing that I feel may be helpful because I believe that some of her nausea is psychological. Sometimes being in her room and seeing things that she used in treatment like a blanket or her radiation mask can cause her stomach to be upset and she will throw up.  The other thing we want to look into is going to an eye doctor to help her control her right eye so she won't have blurry vision sometimes or see words jumping around on a page.
We are also thinking that getting her back in school may be good for her.  I think it will be good for her to get out of the house and socialize and learn in an environment that is not at home.  I think it will give her a sense of accomplishment.  It will be scary at first, but I know she enjoys school and wants to be there with her friends learning and enjoying 3rd grade with the rest of her class.  If it doesn't work out, she can always come back home and it will be just fine that way too.  I just want her to try it and not give up because of what other kids might say or what she thinks they may be thinking about her.  She really is starting to look more like herself, and her cheeks have gone down a ton.  Her hair is even starting to grow back from where she lost it during radiation.  So things are looking up, I just want her to feel well and not suffer with the nausea so much, and hopefully these things will help.

Upcoming MRI

This week has been a good one overall for Kera.  Other than tonight, I think she has been the most upbeat that we've seen her in a long time.  She has still had bouts with the nausea, but mostly it's in the morning when she gets up.  Smells still really bother her, and she is having a hard time finding things that taste good.  She has always been a good eater, but so many foods affect her stomach and so many things don't sound good to her, or she thinks they do, then she tries to eat it and it doesn't taste good.  I think that is somewhat due to the radiation treatments that she had and how sick she felt all the time, and I think certain foods and smells trigger her memory of all the sickness.  She also has a hard time sleeping in her room at night because she says there are so many things in there that make her think of her treatments and of being sick.  Hmm, what do I do about that?  I can't very well get rid of everything in her room.  I know that a lot of her sickness is mental right now and that she relates so much to her treatments.  I'm not sure how we overcome that part?

Other than the stomach thing she has been feeling well enough to play outside and occasional jump on the tramp, we had Dave's sister here visiting from Texas this week, and we got to go do some fun things when she was here.  We took a trip to Boondocks on Friday, and we went miniature golfing and did arcades.  Kera had a great time and she laughed and joked a lot.  She does so much better when her mind is in other things, or when she isn't sitting around the house.  If she is up and doing things she feels better.  Our family made a list a few weeks back of things we want to do as a family, outings and fun activities, and one of the big ones is a cruise.  We want to plan a big family vacation, but we also want to do a lot of little things like the hike we went on last Saturday, like picnics at the park, trips to the museum, and that kind of things that we can do weekly.  I want to take advantage of this time now while she is feeling well and has the energy.  I'm hoping this will last a very long time, but I don't know, and I want to make the most of each day.

Saturday night was our church's general Relief Society broadcast in Salt Lake, and our stake was invited to attend.  Since Dave's sister Jennifer was in town, we wanted to get tickets and go to the conference.  I'm glad we went to it.  I really felt the spirit there.  I was especially touched by the 2nd counselor in the R.S. presidency's talk.  Sister Reeves talked about our trials and tribulations.  She said that after much tribulation come the blessings and that the Lord has a plan for each of our lives.  She said that the trials and tribulations may be the very things that allow us to grow closer to him.  She said to go to the temple often and to go and listen to each word of the endowment.  I know that the times that I've gone through the temple since we found out about Kera, the Lord has brought certain things to my mind that I hadn't thought about before, and I can receive much revelation and peace there. Sister Reeves said the Lord will make our burdens light.  I also felt the spirit when we sang the congregational hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go".  I know it's so hard sometimes to face this trial and understand why Kera has this brain tumor, but while I was singing the hymn, "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord, over mountain or storm or sea, I'll say what you want me to say dear Lord, I'll be who you want me to be" I felt the spirit whisper to me that it would be okay, and no matter what, if I am willing to let the Lord guide my life, and if I trust in Him, He will take my hand and show me the way.  It's the submitting to the Lord's will that requires faith, but if I do that, I will be rewarded.  I do not know what my future holds, or what Kera's future holds, but I cannot do it alone, and I need the comfort that only God can give me.  Our prophet, Pres. Monson, also spoke, and he talked about the Relief Society program and how it was organized by inspiration.  It is made up of all different types of people, single women, those in school, those with young kids, widows, etc. and that our struggles are different for everybody.  He said there will be times when we walk along thorny paths, when fear replaces faith, during those times he counseled us to rely on prayer, and God will speak peace to your soul.  I have felt Him do this for me.  Pres. Monson said that Heavenly Father loves each of us, that love never changes.  That love is there for us always, whether we deserve it or not.  He also ended with a prayer for us that we will be given every good gift.  It is a marvelous feeling to be in the room with the prophet of the church. I could feel that the words president Monson were saying were coming directly from Heavenly Father to me.  It was a special night, and I enjoyed talking with Dave's mom and sister and spending time with them.  It was nice getting to share our feelings together that night.

Tonight Kera got emotional and it was difficult for me to see.  She really does not want to go back to primary childrens on Friday for the MRI.  She was crying and she said how tired of this she is.  She just wants the tumor to be gone.  She doesn't want to have the IV and have to sit still like that for over an hour.  She said the hospitals make her feel very sick.  After she said all this, I was almost tempted to consider not going back to the doctor, to just not do the MRI, to just rely on the Lord and know how she's doing by her symptoms.  But there's a part of me that wants to see the picture of the tumor and see if it has shrunk, and how much. I know it's been a nice break these past four weeks not having to go to the doctor or do treatments, and I think she's just sad that she has to go back there, and she's probably just really tired of this whole process.  It just breaks my heart to have to tell her that I hope the tumor goes away, but that it might not, or may come back. I don't want to lie to her or give her false hope.  I want her to know that the possibility is there that it will not go completely away, and I don't want her to feel like I haven't been honest with her about anything. I so wish I could take her pain away.  I wish it more than anything. As a mother it kills me to see her suffer with this illness.  She's been through so many changes.  She said how hard it's been to not be in school and see her friends and do her normal things the way she used to be,  looking how she used to look.  It's been hard having to go out in public with people looking and staring.  All of that is difficult, but like I said before, I have to rely on the Lord, and I told her that praying and reading my scriptures is what helps me to have peace, and I hope I can teach her to do the same thing.  I thought setting up another sleepover with her friends after the MRI Friday would help her to have something to look forward to and hopefully it will help the day feel less miserable if she has that to look forward to.

Enjoy the Journey

You may have noticed the title of this blog.  That's right, "Enjoy the journey" was the title.  Pretty ironic huh?  I know, it seems a very odd title to a blog about our journey through Kera's pediatric brain tumor diagnosis, but I have learned time and time again through this process that I must remain positive about the future, and to enjoy the time we have with our children and specifically with Kera.  I am constantly trying to tell my brain not to go past today and not to focus on tomorrow.  My brain really wants to go there several times a day, but I try to tell it not to.  I have to cherish each moment we have together and to enjoy our life now.  
Dave and I went to the adult session of our stake conference on Saturday, and I feel like we were blessed because we made the decision to attend it.   Every talk was about overcoming adversity and how to draw closer to the Savior amid life's trials.  There were three relief society sisters who spoke, one talked about her husband's conversion to the church and how she waited over 20 years for him to join the church.  She talked about relying on the spirit and how blessed she felt to have a worthy priesthood holder in her home.  The next lady talked about their daughter being born with a rare brain disorder, and how she has had to overcome so many obstacles in her life.  The third sister talked about her trial of being diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and how her life has been changed since being diagnosed.  I was struck by her outlook she shared about her life now.  She said that since being diagnosed she has been given a whole new outlook on life, and how she finds such joy in each new day.  She talked about she has tried to apply the quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley, "enjoy the journey" and how she feels that each day is a blessing and how she has been given a whole new outlook on her life.  She finds joy in the small things in her life.  Our stake presidency also spoke about overcoming trials and to how to rely on the Lord when faced with difficult trials, and how we can benefit from our trials.  The choir sang the song "Consider the Lilies".  I have always liked that song, but I've never really listened to the words.  Here is a copy of the lyrics:
Consider the lilies of the field,How they grow, how they grow.Consider the birds in the sky,How they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field.

He feeds the birds in the sky.And He will feed those who trust Him,And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of His fold,How they follow where He leads.Though the path may wind across the mountains,He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field.He feeds the birds in the sky,And He will feed those who trust Him,And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet, tender childrenWho must suffer on this earth.The pains of all of them He carriedFrom the day of His birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field,He feeds the lambs in His fold,And He will heal those who trust Him,And make their hearts as gold.

The line where it talks about the sweet tender children who must suffer on this earth really got me.  I think about all that Kera has suffered physically so far, and all that she may suffer and it just breaks my heart.  But I know that the Savior carried her pain.  He suffered and felt the pain of each of us, and because of this we are able to enjoy eternal life.  I try really hard to keep my mind set in the eternal perspective.  I know this brings me such comfort, especially when it seems more than I can bare.  That is when the Lord steps in and helps me.  I am so grateful for his watchful care, and for his knowing exactly what I needed to hear that night.  

We have also began a new chapter in our school life, that of home schooling. Kera decided that she was not going to go back to school for awhile, and she was gonna give the online school program through the school district a try. I won't lie and say it's not been a challenge.  Today was a very hard day.  Trying to juggle getting Jacob ready and out the door, starting Kera on her lessons,  house chores, preparing breakfast, taking Michael to school, preparing, caring for Ryder and keeping him occupied, picking up Michael from school two hours later, running erronds, making dinner, getting Jacob going on homework, FHE, it was a LOT OF WORK!  It overwhelmed me to say the least.  I am hoping that once Kera gets the hang of her online school work and knows how to do her assignments on her own, that it will help.  We were both just trying to figure it all out today as it was our first day, and we just got her ipad last Thursday.  I am going to try to get to bed earlier and get an earlier start in the mornings, and hopefully that will help.  

And like my blog title says, even though it's difficult and a constant challenge, it's so important to stop and enjoy the journey.  We went on a family hike on Saturday.  Kera did so good!  She has been much happier and has more energy lately.  She's been much more cheerful this past week, and just tonight we were outside and the kids were playing on the tramp, and she was excited because she could do a back flip again.  That felt so good to see.  It felt good to watch her ride her bike to the park last week.  All of these memories are precious, and I want to take time to enjoy each and every one. 

Sunday update

It's been another week of ups and downs.  Kera started out the week well and decided to go back to school on Monday.  It was difficult to be back there the first day, but I think that my going to her class on Friday and talking to the kids helped a lot.  I went to meet her for lunch so she would feel more comfortable.  The next day she decided to go back and I encouraged her to try to take the bus home.  The day seemed to go pretty well, other than one of the boys from her class last year yelling out "Kera has puffy cheeks" at recess.  That boy gave her some problems at school last year, and even scribbled out her face in a picture of her on her yearbook.  So I'm not a big fan of that kid.  She didn't seem too upset about it though, not that she told me anyway.
 I think it's been rough for her this week because I think she thought after the treatments were done everything would suddenly go back to normal, and she would feel all better, but that's not the case.  I can only do my best to try to make her feel as good as she can, and I am hoping that the  cold she got mid week will be the only hang up for the next little while, and she can get to feeling better soon and have an easier time with everything. We went to the pediatrician on Tuesday because her ears had been bothering her for a few days.  He said there wasn't an infection yet, but there was fluid behind her ears and gave her an antibiotic to help dry them out so she could her and feel better.
Wednesday morning Kera woke up with a runny nose and a bad sore throat.  She also felt nauseated again, and her legs were really stiff and sore.  She said it was hard to walk on them.  Of course that sent me into mini panic mode and I called the oncologist to give him the report.  He said it could just be that she was getting a bug, and that the leg pain could be related to that, especially since she had a sore throat and congestion. So I gave her Advil and later that day her legs were feeling better.  The next day her cold got worse so she stayed home from school again.  She didn't want to go back Friday either, and I decided Thursday night that I wasn't going to push her to go to school if she didn't want to.
Kera's friends from Kaysville invited her down to their house for a late night on Friday, and I wasn't sure if she would be up to it with the cold, but she really wanted to go, and I made her rest most of the day so she could feel up to going.  I ended up letting her spend the night there, and it was her first sleepover, other than with cousins.  Her two best friends Samantha and Gracie are so wonderful to her.  They have the best time together, and since we've only lived in this area for a year, she hasn't had the chance to make any close friends here yet. Friends yes, just not the kind that she can have sleepovers with and be herself with. I love that she can still keep in close contact with them and that we live close enough where she can have get togethers with them.  The girls stayed up until 1 a.m. talking and giggling.  Even though it was a real late night, I was so glad she went and had the chance to get her mind off of her sickness and have fun with friends again.  I want to give her as many happy moments as I can.
Saturday I picked her up and we ran a few errands.  One of them being to the pet store to look at some dogs.  I think we are finally coming around to the idea of getting a dog, and the kids are all so excited about the possibility.  We just have to decide if it will be in inside dog or an outside dog.  Dave wants an outside dog only, but I'm not sure.  I was also told by the lady at the humane society that we should really consider getting an older dog, and that puppies are a lot of work to train and they will tear up furniture, shoes, etc.  I don't know if I have the time or energy to train a new puppy, so I tend to agree with her.  Maybe a dog who's 2-5 years old would be best? If anyone has dog advice for me, I'm open to hearing it. :)
The primary kids sang with the Young Women in sacrament meeting today.  They sang "If the Savior Stood Beside Me" and I really wanted Kera to be a part of it.  She didn't really want to go to church since she still has her cold and wasn't feeling well this morning, but I convinced her to come just for the first hour, then we would take her home.
Dave and I also had our trek fireside tonight.  We went on a pioneer trek in June, and we were asked to be a ma and pa there.  We watched the video that they made of us at trek, which was fun to watch.  We talked with our trek family afterwards.  There were 3 boys that weren't there, which made me a little sad.  I was hoping to see all of the kids we had in our family at trek tonight.  One of them we see often because he's in our ward every other week.   Hopefully the other two boys we'll get the chance to see again soon.
Michael has his birthday this week on Friday, and he is so excited!!  He's gonna be 5. :)
Here's hoping this week goes well, with more ups than downs!!

Treatments are done!!

Thursday was Kera's last day of radiation treatment.  It was such a great feeling to be done with that and now I am so excited to go through a whole week straight where I don't have to leave and drive to Salt Lake in the middle of the day!  All of the radiation therapists that worked with us at LDS hospital were wonderful.  There were 5 therapists that rotated throughout the 6 week process, and each one of them was so thoughtful and patient and loving with Kera.  It definitely made a difficult experience easier to handle.  There was Collette, Allie, Aubrey, Doreen, and Kristin.  Each one of them brought Kera a gift on her last day of treatment.  Collette gave her a plug in Scentsy candle with smelly waxes because during treatment Kera had a hard time with the smells during the radiation process, and so Collette brought some scentsy waxes and would rub them on her mask every day to help with the smell.  Allie brought a set of colored pencils and papers to use for school and because she knew Kera loved to color.  Aubrey was nice enough to make a pack of hairbows and headbands because she noticed Kera loved bows and always had different bows and headbands when she showed up for treatments.  Doreen always commented on the different kinds of flip flops and sandals Kera wore to treatment, so she bought her a cute pair of lime green sandals.  And Kristin got Kera some fruit smelly markers and a little notepad.  They also brought little treats for Kera when it was Friday to celebrate two days off of treatment.  I am so thankful to each of these ladies for going out of their way to love and help Kera feel more comfortable while doing the treatments.  Also Dr. Hunter, Kera's radiation onc. doc was wonderful.  He was always so friendly and helpful and tried his best to make Kera feel better when she was suffering from the nausea and would listen to our concerns and answer all of our questions with sincere concern.
As we were thinking about what to do to celebrate our last day of treatment, Kera came up with the idea to go on a hike and make a sign that said no more treatments and she would wave the flag.  So before we left for treatment on Thursday I helped Kera make a flag that said "No more treatments" on it and after the treatments were done we drove to a trail by the capital and took some pictures and waved the flag.  I told Kera to shout "no more treatments" as loud as she could.  Kera, not one to make a scene, even though there was nobody else there, was too embarrassed to shout it, but she spoke it loudly.  I told her I would do it for her and I shouted it out as loud as I could.  It felt good to say, and it marks a milestone in this whole process.  Kera also decided that instead of throwing a big party, that she wanted to go to a place that sold caramel apples, cotton candy, and treats like that.  I told her that the Utah State Fair was coming up, so we decided to go to it as a family.  Maybe I didn't think this plan through completely.  I bought entrance tickets and carnival wristbands ahead of time which we bought for Jacob and Kera since I thought Michael may not be tall enough to ride most rides, but it turned out that there was a kiddie ride area and lots of rides that he could go on, and also Kera wanted to ride the rides with me, so I decided to buy two more wristbands for Michael and I.  It was also pretty windy and humid that night, so the weather wasn't exactly ideal.  Kera really wanted to play some carnival games, so she played a few and won two stuffed animals.  Kera also insisted on getting a caramel apple and a sno cone.  She really only felt up for going on a few rides, and spent the rest of the time eating her treats.  Jacob and I rode many of the rides, and one of them, the rocking boat ride, made him really sick.  So around 7 pm Kera had a bad headache and her stomach hurt, Jacob felt like puking, and in fact threw up 3 times on the way home.  Luckily we had some throw up bags in the car from all the times Kera's gotten sick.  We decided to head home at that point.  So maybe the night was a bit much for her to handle, but I think we still had a good time.  Oh and they had a duck race and each of the kids were chosen to race a duck.  I helped Kera with her race, and we won the first round.  The prize for winning was a duck whistle.
Kera has been really hesitant about going back to school and is still very self conscious about the way she looks.  We are down to .5 mg of the steroid, but her cheeks are still puffy and she still is a few pounds heavier.  Her right eye is still have some trouble tracking, and the radiation has left her hair patchy in spots. I can see why it is difficult for her, but I pray that she will have the courage and confidence to face her peers and not let it stop her from doing things she wants to do.  It breaks my heart when she tells me that she looks in the mirror and cries, or that she hates herself because of how she looks.  I've tried telling her that it's the inner beauty that's important, but these changes are hard, and I know it must not be easy to have to face these issues. I decided to go to her classroom on Friday and talk to the kids in her class about Kera being sick and taking medicine that makes her look different.  I asked them what questions they had about Kera, and we had a good discussion.  I told them that she wants to feel normal, just like all the other kids, and that answering questions about her sickness was hard and made her feel different, so I told them to ask their teacher if they had questions instead of asking her.  I was glad I went and talked to them, and I hope it will help.  She is still afraid to go, especially about seeing other kids from her class last year that aren't in her class this year.  She asked if she could stay inside at recess, and I told her I'd talk to her teachers about it.  I feel like at this point if I can just get her to want to go, staying in at recess or anything that would make her feel more comfortable is fine.  We'll see in the morning if she gives it a try.
Dave and I gave our talks in sacrament meeting today, and I think they went pretty well.  I really didn't want to stand up there and talk about our trial and knew it would be difficult to talk about something so personal, but I felt it was important to do, and now that it's over I'm glad I did it.  I will post a copy of the talk on here. I know a few people told me they would like to read it.  :)
Also, I want to mention that Michael started his second year of preschool at Jellybean Junction and he goes to school in the afternoons on Monday and Wednesdays, and in the mornings on Fridays.  He loves it and he's making new friends already.  I'm including a picture of his first day.

Michael's first day of preschool

Kera right after treatment with her therapist Doreen

Kera sticking her tongue out at the mask she had to wear every day during treatments

Kera receiving her certificate of completion for treatments and she also got to ring the celebration bell when she was done!!

So excited!!

My favorite picture of her with her flag

Talk I gave in church on Helaman 5:12

Helaman 5:12 has always been one of my favorite scriptures.  It reads,

“And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the  rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your  foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty  storms shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.”

This scripture has such a deeper meaning to me now as our family has been faced with a huge trial.  Kera was diagnosed with a serious illness about a month and a half ago.  Throughout this time there have been such ups and downs and a rollercoaster of emotions, but what has always been constant is the love that I have felt from my Heavenly Father, and his invitation to rely on Him and that He will help our family get through this difficult time. I must rely on the Lord now more than ever before.  I have always had faith in Jesus Christ and a testimony of the gospel, but it’s not until we are faced with trials and our faith is tested that we see what we are made of so to speak, and we must put our faith into action. 

Sister Elaine Dalton who was recently released as the General Young Women’s President gave a talk about standing as a witness of God in all times and in all things, and in all places.  Sister Dalton said that our foundation of faith must be firmly centered on Jesus Christ.  Having that kind of faith means you rely on Him, you trust in Him, and even though you do not understand all things, you know that He does.  You also know that you are a daughter of God, that He knows you by name, that He hears your prayers, and that He will help you accomplish your earthly mission. 

It has been a comfort to me that when I pray to Heavenly Father I know that he knows me and what I am going through and that I can withstand my trials through my faith in Him and in His son Jesus Christ.  I have been blessed with several tender mercies throughout this process that have helped to sustain me and given me encouragement to keep going. 

I have kept a blog throughout this process that has helped me recognize these tender mercies, and it allows me to express my emotions and share the daily ups and downs that I am faced with.  I want to read a portion of one of my blog entries titled “Tender Mercies”. 

I wrote “I know the Lord sees the whole picture and he knows what I need.  I need to feel this pain and this sacrifice to understand things that I wouldn’t understand otherwise, and ultimately I know a miracle can occur if it is the Lord’s will for Kera to be healed.  I talked to Kera last night about the importance of faith.  I read to her from the Book of Mormon where it tells about Christ visiting the Nephites on the American continent and how the people were so moved by his sermon and they wanted more than anything for Christ to heal their sick.  He felt their strong faith and he asked them to bring their sick unto Him and he would heal them.  After he healed them and performed these miracles, those that were healed kissed the Savior’s feet and bathed them with their tears. 

I felt it important for Kera to understand the importance of faith and that we need to have faith when we are given a priesthood blessing, when we are performing important ordinances, or even having faith that Heavenly Father will hear and answer our prayers. 

Wilford W. Anderson gave a talk called “The Rock of our Redeemer” which I want to share a portion of.  He says, “And again, I would speak unto you concerning hope…behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and this because of your faith in Him according to the promise.  There is a scripture in Moroni that says, wherefore if a man have faith he must needs have hope, for without faith there cannot be any hope.  (Moroni 7:40-42)  

Brother Anderson says hope comes from faith in Jesus Christ.  He has already overcome the world and has promised that He will wipe away our tears if we will only turn to Him and believe and follow.  He also says that Faith in the Savior requires more than mere belief.  The Apostle James taught that even the devils believe and tremble.  (James 2:19) But true faith requires work.  The difference between the devils and the faithful members of this church is not belief but work.  Faith grows by keeping the commandments.  We must work at keeping the commandments.  From the bible dictionary we read that “miracles do not produce faith but strong faith is developed by obedience to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  In other words faith comes by righteousness. 

The more we act upon our faith by reading our scriptures, serving in our callings, teaching the gospel to our children and holding family home evening each week, by praying morning and night and with our families, the stronger our faith will become.  The presence of the Holy Ghost will be with us and it will give us comfort.   Sometimes when hard trials come upon us, the natural man in us will tell us to give up.  This trial is too difficult, God must not love us, we cannot endure.  But I’ve found the opposite is true.  The more I allow the Lord into my life, the more fervently I pray, the more I study the scriptures, the more the Lord blesses me and I feel peace.  During the hard times and when I get caught up in the unknown, it’s not always easy to have the faith.  I know that Satan is real and he does not want me to be happy.  He will do anything to bring us down, to make us feel unworthy, to tell us to give up, to give in to temptation, to succumb to the darkness.  Like the scripture in Helaman says, when the devil  shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty ^cstorm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of our strong foundation.  I must continue to build a foundation rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

President Henry B. Eyring said in a conference talk, “we are safe on the rock which is the Savior when we have yielded in faith to Him, have responded to the Holy Spirit’s direction to keep the commandments long enough and faithfully enough that the power of the Atonement has changed our hearts.  When we have, by that experience, become as a child in our capacity to love and obey, we are on the sure foundation.  What we do allows the Atonement of Jesus Christ to change us into what we must be.  Our faith in Jesus Christ brings us to repentance and to keeping his commandments.  We obey and we resist temptation by following the promptings of the Holy Ghost. In time our natures will change.  We will become as a little child, obedient to God and more loving.  That change, if we do all we must to keep it, will qualify us to enjoy the gifts which come through the Holy Ghost.  Like the scripture in Mosiah 3:17 says, that there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.

It is because of our Savior Jesus Christ and His atonement that we are saved, and that the plan of Salvation is made possible.  The knowledge that our family can be sealed together for eternity is such a comfort to me and I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  He suffered and died for each one of us.  He felt every single trial, every physical, emotional, spiritual heartache that we have experienced and will experience.  I was listening to a book on cd from Leon Skousen about the atonement and why it was necessary to happen the way it did.  Jesus Christ had to suffer these things for us and it was an infinite atonement.  It was because of his compassion and unconditional love for us that He was willing to do suffer this way.  The part that seems the most difficult to me that Heavenly Father had to withdraw His spirit from the Savior at the time when He needed Him the most.  He had to do it completely alone.  We go through trials in this life, but we are given the comfort of the Holy Ghost to endure them.  I am so grateful to the Savior Jesus Christ and to Heavenly Father for sacrificing in this way.  The Lord will never leave us alone, for He has engraven our trials upon the palms of his hands.