Upcoming MRI

This week has been a good one overall for Kera.  Other than tonight, I think she has been the most upbeat that we've seen her in a long time.  She has still had bouts with the nausea, but mostly it's in the morning when she gets up.  Smells still really bother her, and she is having a hard time finding things that taste good.  She has always been a good eater, but so many foods affect her stomach and so many things don't sound good to her, or she thinks they do, then she tries to eat it and it doesn't taste good.  I think that is somewhat due to the radiation treatments that she had and how sick she felt all the time, and I think certain foods and smells trigger her memory of all the sickness.  She also has a hard time sleeping in her room at night because she says there are so many things in there that make her think of her treatments and of being sick.  Hmm, what do I do about that?  I can't very well get rid of everything in her room.  I know that a lot of her sickness is mental right now and that she relates so much to her treatments.  I'm not sure how we overcome that part?

Other than the stomach thing she has been feeling well enough to play outside and occasional jump on the tramp, we had Dave's sister here visiting from Texas this week, and we got to go do some fun things when she was here.  We took a trip to Boondocks on Friday, and we went miniature golfing and did arcades.  Kera had a great time and she laughed and joked a lot.  She does so much better when her mind is in other things, or when she isn't sitting around the house.  If she is up and doing things she feels better.  Our family made a list a few weeks back of things we want to do as a family, outings and fun activities, and one of the big ones is a cruise.  We want to plan a big family vacation, but we also want to do a lot of little things like the hike we went on last Saturday, like picnics at the park, trips to the museum, and that kind of things that we can do weekly.  I want to take advantage of this time now while she is feeling well and has the energy.  I'm hoping this will last a very long time, but I don't know, and I want to make the most of each day.

Saturday night was our church's general Relief Society broadcast in Salt Lake, and our stake was invited to attend.  Since Dave's sister Jennifer was in town, we wanted to get tickets and go to the conference.  I'm glad we went to it.  I really felt the spirit there.  I was especially touched by the 2nd counselor in the R.S. presidency's talk.  Sister Reeves talked about our trials and tribulations.  She said that after much tribulation come the blessings and that the Lord has a plan for each of our lives.  She said that the trials and tribulations may be the very things that allow us to grow closer to him.  She said to go to the temple often and to go and listen to each word of the endowment.  I know that the times that I've gone through the temple since we found out about Kera, the Lord has brought certain things to my mind that I hadn't thought about before, and I can receive much revelation and peace there. Sister Reeves said the Lord will make our burdens light.  I also felt the spirit when we sang the congregational hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go".  I know it's so hard sometimes to face this trial and understand why Kera has this brain tumor, but while I was singing the hymn, "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord, over mountain or storm or sea, I'll say what you want me to say dear Lord, I'll be who you want me to be" I felt the spirit whisper to me that it would be okay, and no matter what, if I am willing to let the Lord guide my life, and if I trust in Him, He will take my hand and show me the way.  It's the submitting to the Lord's will that requires faith, but if I do that, I will be rewarded.  I do not know what my future holds, or what Kera's future holds, but I cannot do it alone, and I need the comfort that only God can give me.  Our prophet, Pres. Monson, also spoke, and he talked about the Relief Society program and how it was organized by inspiration.  It is made up of all different types of people, single women, those in school, those with young kids, widows, etc. and that our struggles are different for everybody.  He said there will be times when we walk along thorny paths, when fear replaces faith, during those times he counseled us to rely on prayer, and God will speak peace to your soul.  I have felt Him do this for me.  Pres. Monson said that Heavenly Father loves each of us, that love never changes.  That love is there for us always, whether we deserve it or not.  He also ended with a prayer for us that we will be given every good gift.  It is a marvelous feeling to be in the room with the prophet of the church. I could feel that the words president Monson were saying were coming directly from Heavenly Father to me.  It was a special night, and I enjoyed talking with Dave's mom and sister and spending time with them.  It was nice getting to share our feelings together that night.

Tonight Kera got emotional and it was difficult for me to see.  She really does not want to go back to primary childrens on Friday for the MRI.  She was crying and she said how tired of this she is.  She just wants the tumor to be gone.  She doesn't want to have the IV and have to sit still like that for over an hour.  She said the hospitals make her feel very sick.  After she said all this, I was almost tempted to consider not going back to the doctor, to just not do the MRI, to just rely on the Lord and know how she's doing by her symptoms.  But there's a part of me that wants to see the picture of the tumor and see if it has shrunk, and how much. I know it's been a nice break these past four weeks not having to go to the doctor or do treatments, and I think she's just sad that she has to go back there, and she's probably just really tired of this whole process.  It just breaks my heart to have to tell her that I hope the tumor goes away, but that it might not, or may come back. I don't want to lie to her or give her false hope.  I want her to know that the possibility is there that it will not go completely away, and I don't want her to feel like I haven't been honest with her about anything. I so wish I could take her pain away.  I wish it more than anything. As a mother it kills me to see her suffer with this illness.  She's been through so many changes.  She said how hard it's been to not be in school and see her friends and do her normal things the way she used to be,  looking how she used to look.  It's been hard having to go out in public with people looking and staring.  All of that is difficult, but like I said before, I have to rely on the Lord, and I told her that praying and reading my scriptures is what helps me to have peace, and I hope I can teach her to do the same thing.  I thought setting up another sleepover with her friends after the MRI Friday would help her to have something to look forward to and hopefully it will help the day feel less miserable if she has that to look forward to.